Thursday, December 31, 2015

Run Away No More

Run away no more

Running away is easy. You don't have to know where to go, you just have to run. I've been running away for a long time now. 

After my mission I felt uncomfortable with what the future had in store and I ran away to EFY. Four years I was able to run away to a place that kept my mind where it had always been. But that plan couldn't last forever. 

As graduation approached I was unsure of the future again and made plans to run away to Peru and Fiji. The same day I set those plans in stone I met someone who I connected with like I had never connected before. I did my best to hold onto them while I ran away, but it wasn't meant to be. 

The end of that relationship meant that my future was again without a plan. The day that we called things off I made plans to run away to El Salvador, and a few days later to run away to Peru. 

Not long before running away to El Salvador I met another amazing person. He brought joy again to my life in just a matter of days. He made me laugh and helped me feel of worth. But of course, I had made plans to run away. 

That's how I could be happy. Run away from my problems. Run away from my life. Run away from being who I really am. 

Running away was my plan. 

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a dirt road, watching the fireflies flicker late one night in El Salvador I realized . . .

Running away is hard. You have no where to go, and you don't get to stop. It's about time that I gave up running away. 

Happiness comes from running towards something, not from something. 

Today I'm choosing to run away no more. I'm running towards what makes me happy and feel of worth. I'm running towards my future and being who I really am. 

Does it mean my future is clear? No. But I'm not scared of what it holds. I'm done running away. Run away no more. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

This is me. I love you


I’m not very good at putting my feelings in words, but I hope that I can express the way I feel in a way that will allow for understanding and respect. This is something that I have wanted to do for a while now but haven’t felt like it was the right time. With the events of the past week and the meetings that will be held in church over the next couple of weeks, I feel like now is the time to let you know that I am one of those people who has felt caught between two worlds.  I am gay or same-gender attracted.  

With all of the opinions posted on the internet on the subject of being Mormon and gay, I want to share with you one that a few of my friends shared that rang very true to me. Please read it with an 
 open heart.


The last couple of years of my life have been a wild journey, but the lessons I’ve learned could never have come if I hadn’t accepted who I was. I began to understand what it meant to love someone. I learned how to be more charitable. I experienced a happiness that I didn’t know existed. I began to open up to more friends and family and found that my experiences helped others.  

I haven’t shared some of the most crucial parts of my experience with many people, but I hope that sharing them with you now will help you to “walk in my shoes.”

I’ve known for a long time that I felt different than other people expected or taught me. I really began to notice it in jr. high, but I ignored it and figured that when I turned 16 I would start dating and become interested in girls. When that time came, I did go on dates but found that I was extremely apathetic about it all. I felt very confused. I was supposed to be attracted to girls, to feel like I wanted to kiss them or something, right? But I wasn’t. But I didn’t let it bother me too much. I knew that after my mission things would be different.

I loved my mission. I realized how much I enjoyed helping others. I learned how to grow spiritually. I learned how to study well and to work hard. I had amazing spiritual experiences that confirmed the truthfulness of the gospel. The Book of Mormon became a key part of my life and my beliefs. I felt of God’s love for me and for the rest of His children. My mission taught me that God wanted and needed me to be myself. I was only effective as His servant if I kept my own personality and character. I needed that lesson, and others, for what would come in the future.

I expected to come home and have the drive to find an eternal companion. I went on a few dates and still found that I was uneasy and uncomfortable with dating. Deep down I knew why, but I didn’t want to believe it. I took a few years off of dating with the exception of going on dates to please others. It wasn’t until late 2013 that things really started to piece together and my brain and heart began to more fully understand that I wasn’t attracted to women. At the start of 2014, after a lot of thought and contemplation, I decided that they only way to figure out how I truly felt was to open myself to the possibility that I was actually gay. I went on a few “gay dates” and finally started to see what it meant to be interested in another human being. To feel that connection with someone was incredible. I wanted it. But my understanding of church doctrine made it hard to continue. So I stopped. I wish I could explain that feeling to you. That feeling of being torn in half. Part of me having a testimony of the gospel and wanting to stay true to those beliefs, and knowing that I was giving up having a partner that I loved and could be truly happy with.

I knew that I was supposed to date, get married, and have a family. I wanted a family so badly. Especially after Lila was born. She made me so happy and I saw what a blessing she was to us. I started dating a girl and we had a lot of fun, but things were really hard for me. I would drop her off and then begin to cry. I felt like I was lying to her. I could tell that she was interested in me, but I felt so guilty taking her out and not feeling anything. Though we enjoyed each other’s company, we stopped seeing each other and I again decided to not date. Permanently.

Like the author of the post says, we feel like we have only a few options. And I was choosing numbers 1 or 2. Marry a woman (she was going to have to propose to me. I would never ask someone to live in that situation), or stay celibate. Both options sounded awful, but I knew that in order to keep things in line with church standards, those were my options.

I talked with my bishop about my situation and made plans to go work for EFY for the last few weeks of the summer. When I found out that I was contracted to work in Palmyra I was ecstatic. I was also extremely nervous. People talk about having strong spiritual experiences while in the Sacred Grove. I wanted to have one. I wanted to feel that I would be ok in life. That there was hope for me in either finding a girl who could love me despite not being attracted to her, or that I could remain single and stay faithful to the church’s teachings. We spent about 6 hours studying in the Sacred Grove that week, and as I would read and pray I never felt that I was getting the hope or feeling that I was seeking for.

On one of our last days in Palmyra we were taking a tour of the Smith Log Cabin. As the sister missionary retold part of Joseph’s story, she opened the back door of the house that led to the garden and a path to the woods. Never have I been hit so strongly by the Spirit. If I could put into words that experience, it was as if I was told, “You are afraid to do what you feel will bring you happiness. It’s ok. Make that choice. I love you. You are allowed to find happiness.”


I know that sounds crazy. And I don’t expect anyone to believe it or accept it. But it was what I needed. I hadn’t asked for it. I was asking for the opposite.

Soon after I got home I started dating and found someone who I truly loved. A few people even met him without knowing who he was. I’ve had multiple people tell me that they could see a difference in me during that time, even though they didn’t know why until later. They saw that I was happier, more comfortable, and just a better overall person. All that I knew was that I was experiencing a committed relationship and was gaining an understanding of what it meant to love someone. Unfortunately, things became difficult while I was in Fiji, and after seven months together we decided that we needed to take different paths. I have continued to date and meet amazing people. I hope to someday find someone who I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.

I, just like the author if the article, empathize with those that choose any of the options. To me, each person needs to find out for themselves what it is that they should do. I would never encourage anyone to leave the church. I am who I am because of what I learned in the gospel. Those teachings have gotten me through the hardest times. The foundation of my testimony is in Christ and the Book of Mormon. I have found peace in knowing that I can find answers and direction in my crazy life. I know that God loves me. I have felt that love and I know that it is real.

But I also would not push someone from choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle. I’ve tried the different paths, and I’ve found the one that both I and my Father in Heaven feel is right for me.

I’m still Jaron. I’m still JJ. I still want to be your cousin, nephew, grandson, and friend. I know that you may think of me differently, but I hope that you can find a way to continue to love me and, when the time comes, the person I choose to be with.

This Sunday or the following, your ward will hold a special meeting to read a letter concerning the SCOTUS ruling on same-sex marriage. I don’t expect you to support it or feel like you have to be ok with it. But I do want you to take advantage of that meeting. Never have church members been gathered to discuss same-sex attraction issues. Many people around you are going to want to share their opinions on the issue and I pray that things go smoothly in those meetings. I hope that someone will ask a question such as, “Regardless of the court ruling, How do I love my family member that has decided to live a homosexual lifestyle?” or, “How do I respond to a child who comes to me and tells me that they are same-gender attracted?” We often forget that there are members of the church who are trying to figure these things out. So much focus is put on the doctrine that we forget that there are people, our brothers and sisters, caught in the middle of the issue. Imagine yourself as a 16 year old who is afraid to tell someone that you feel you might be gay. Then to sit in a meeting where all you are told is that God does not approve of gay marriage and that homosexuality is a sin. What would you do? Would you hold it inside, hurting because you know what’s right, but feeling like a disappointment to those who love you? Would you risk coming out, knowing that people will treat you differently, avoid you, or feel forced to bear your burden? You know that your feelings might not be validated. Imagine you are the parent of a child that you suspect, or maybe even know that your child is same-sex attracted. You're hearing the same information. What would you do?

I’m an open book. If you want to walk a mile, I hope I’ve given you some shoes to walk in. My story is unique and personal, but I’m willing to share if it helps you understand how you can better love your friends, family members, or yourself. I love you. And that love is what makes me want to share this part of my life with you. I want to be able to love you as the real me. The complete me. And unless you know this part of my life then you haven’t known the fullest version of me.

I don’t want to hide anything anymore. This is me. I love you.



Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Using Picasa in Education

You can use Picasa Web Albums to add photos to your blog posts. You can also use Picasa to edit your photos. You can see here a before and after of one of my own photos. Picasa is available to download for free. Happy photo editing and sharing!




Thursday, September 11, 2014

ITLS Post 3- Comparison

Blogger is very easy to use. It has good options for rich text and its not hard to set up your page design. It easily keeps track of your posts and traffic. It is also nice that it is just part of your Google account and so it meshes with most other things you are already doing. You also have the option of making it completely private. As a teacher you would not to make your blog private.
Tumblr is like a mix of blogger, pinterest, and instagram. People use it in so many different ways that sometimes I feel like its just a lot of chaos. The ability to repost other peoples posts is nice, but sometimes that ends up taking over the blog and the actual personal posts get lost. I wouldn't recommend it for educational use due to the fact that you just never know what could pop on on a news feed. It isn't filtered like Blogger.
I have a few friends that use Facebook Notes as a blog platform. One of the best things about Notes is that its incorporated right into Facebook. These posts are separated from your regular status updates and so they are set apart as something a little different than just a basic blurb. You have the option to make these posts public or private. Because it is on Facebook you can't do anything really fancy with it.
I feel that Blogger is the best of these options for educational purposes. It's simple, safe. and has a lot of capabilities.

ITLS Post 2- Best Practices

http://www.wikihow.com/Keep-Your-Blog-Safe

1. Keep information about yourself private. You should feel fine posting your name on a blog but you shouldnt be giving out your phone number, address, or even email address. If you post that information online it is out there for anyone to get and use.

2. Keep information about others private. This is especially important if you are in a school setting. You shouldn't be posting things about your students or co-workers that could be private information or simply information that doesn't need to be public.

3. Double check your post for safety. Review the post to make sure that any content or photos could be offensive or disrespectful if posted. Could anyone misinterpret what you are saying? You don't want to end up in a messy spot because of a simple blog post.

ITLS Post 1



I think it’s great that teachers and students are using blogs in education. In the few blogs that I looked at a few things stood out that seemed really useful. Teachers were able to post new and relevant information about a topic in a singular place where students could easily access it from anywhere. They would also be able to access it after they were finished with the course if necessary. Another neat part of getting the students involved is that they could follow each other’s blogs. They would be able to see what other students are doing in the class and their thoughts on things. Canvas is a great tool but it is very time limited. Once you are through with a class you might not be able to access some of the information that you may want to refer to in the future. I would use a blog to keep current students and past students up to date on important topics. It would be easy to get them involved in supplemental readings, especially since they would be current and up to date topics.

http://ben02.edublogs.org/
http://edutech4teachers.edublogs.org/
http://esheninger.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Thinking Ahead

I like to make plans. I like to have some kind of organization to my day. I'd like to be better at having a plan for the future but that's a rough one for me.
Today I got an email that let me know that applications for coordinators and building counselors for efy 2013 are open. It's October. EFY starts in May. It's such a long process and its making a big commitment for a time when who knows how life could be. What do I do? I'd love to do it again (maybe get to Hawaii this time) but I really need to make some real money. How will my job on campus be going when summer rolls around? Will I be working a lot? Is it worth my time to stay and work? Am I going to regret not doing EFY again? I hate decisions like this.