I’m not very good at putting my
feelings in words, but I hope that I can express the way I feel in a way that
will allow for understanding and respect. This is something that I have wanted
to do for a while now but haven’t felt like it was the right time. With the
events of the past week and the meetings that will be held in church over the
next couple of weeks, I feel like now is the time to let you know that I am one
of those people who has felt caught between two worlds. I am gay or
same-gender attracted.
With all of the opinions posted on
the internet on the subject of being Mormon and gay, I want to share with you
one that a few of my friends shared that rang very true to me. Please read it
with an
open heart.
The last couple of years of my life
have been a wild journey, but the lessons I’ve learned could never have come if
I hadn’t accepted who I was. I began to understand what it meant to love
someone. I learned how to be more charitable. I experienced a happiness that I
didn’t know existed. I began to open up to more friends and family and found
that my experiences helped others.
I haven’t shared some of the most
crucial parts of my experience with many people, but I hope that sharing them
with you now will help you to “walk in my shoes.”
I’ve known for a long time that I
felt different than other people expected or taught me. I really began to
notice it in jr. high, but I ignored it and figured that when I turned 16 I
would start dating and become interested in girls. When that time came, I did
go on dates but found that I was extremely apathetic about it all. I felt very
confused. I was supposed to be attracted to girls, to feel like I wanted to
kiss them or something, right? But I wasn’t. But I didn’t let it bother me too much. I knew
that after my mission things would be different.
I loved my mission. I realized how
much I enjoyed helping others. I learned how to grow spiritually. I learned how
to study well and to work hard. I had amazing spiritual experiences that
confirmed the truthfulness of the gospel. The Book of Mormon became a key part
of my life and my beliefs. I felt of God’s love for me and for the rest of His
children. My mission taught me that God wanted and needed me to be myself. I
was only effective as His servant if I kept my own personality and character. I
needed that lesson, and others, for what would come in the future.
I expected to come home and have the
drive to find an eternal companion. I went on a few dates and still found that
I was uneasy and uncomfortable with dating. Deep down I knew why, but I didn’t
want to believe it. I took a few years off of dating with the exception of
going on dates to please others. It wasn’t until late 2013 that things really
started to piece together and my brain and heart began to more fully understand
that I wasn’t attracted to women. At the start of 2014, after a lot of thought
and contemplation, I decided that they only way to figure out how I truly felt
was to open myself to the possibility that I was actually gay. I went on a few
“gay dates” and finally started to see what it meant to be interested in
another human being. To feel that connection with someone was incredible. I
wanted it. But my understanding of church doctrine made it hard to continue. So
I stopped. I wish I could explain that feeling to you. That feeling of being
torn in half. Part of me having a testimony of the gospel and wanting to stay
true to those beliefs, and knowing that I was giving up having a partner that I
loved and could be truly happy with.
I knew that I was supposed to date,
get married, and have a family. I wanted a family so badly. Especially after
Lila was born. She made me so happy and I saw what a blessing she was to us. I
started dating a girl and we had a lot of fun, but things were really hard for
me. I would drop her off and then begin to cry. I felt like I was lying to her.
I could tell that she was interested in me, but I felt so guilty taking her out
and not feeling anything. Though we enjoyed each other’s company, we stopped
seeing each other and I again decided to not date. Permanently.
Like the author of the post says, we
feel like we have only a few options. And I was choosing numbers 1 or 2. Marry
a woman (she was going to have to propose to me. I would never ask someone to
live in that situation), or stay celibate. Both options sounded awful, but I
knew that in order to keep things in line with church standards, those were my
options.
I talked with my bishop about my
situation and made plans to go work for EFY for the last few weeks of the
summer. When I found out that I was contracted to work in Palmyra I was
ecstatic. I was also extremely nervous. People talk about having strong
spiritual experiences while in the Sacred Grove. I wanted to have one. I wanted
to feel that I would be ok in life. That there was hope for me in either
finding a girl who could love me despite not being attracted to her, or that I
could remain single and stay faithful to the church’s teachings. We spent about
6 hours studying in the Sacred Grove that week, and as I would read and pray I
never felt that I was getting the hope or feeling that I was seeking for.
On one of our last days in Palmyra
we were taking a tour of the Smith Log Cabin. As the sister missionary retold
part of Joseph’s story, she opened the back door of the house that led to the
garden and a path to the woods. Never have I been hit so strongly by the
Spirit. If I could put into words that experience, it was as if I was told,
“You are afraid to do what you feel will bring you happiness. It’s ok. Make
that choice. I love you. You are allowed to find happiness.”
I know that sounds crazy. And I
don’t expect anyone to believe it or accept it. But it was what I needed. I hadn’t
asked for it. I was asking for the opposite.
Soon after I got home I started
dating and found someone who I truly loved. A few people even met him without
knowing who he was. I’ve had multiple people tell me that they could see a
difference in me during that time, even though they didn’t know why until
later. They saw that I was happier, more comfortable, and just a better overall
person. All that I knew was that I was experiencing a committed relationship
and was gaining an understanding of what it meant to love someone.
Unfortunately, things became difficult while I was in Fiji, and after seven
months together we decided that we needed to take different paths. I have
continued to date and meet amazing people. I hope to someday find someone who I
will be able to spend the rest of my life with.
I, just like the author if the
article, empathize with those that choose any of the options. To me, each
person needs to find out for themselves what it is that they should do. I would
never encourage anyone to leave the church. I am who I am because of what I learned
in the gospel. Those teachings have gotten me through the hardest times. The
foundation of my testimony is in Christ and the Book of Mormon. I have found
peace in knowing that I can find answers and direction in my crazy life. I know
that God loves me. I have felt that love and I know that it is real.
But I also would not push someone
from choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle. I’ve tried the different paths,
and I’ve found the one that both I and my Father in Heaven feel is right for me.
I’m still Jaron. I’m still JJ. I
still want to be your cousin, nephew, grandson, and friend. I know that you may
think of me differently, but I hope that you can find a way to continue to love
me and, when the time comes, the person I choose to be with.
This Sunday or the following, your
ward will hold a special meeting to read a letter concerning the SCOTUS ruling
on same-sex marriage. I don’t expect you to support it or feel like you have to
be ok with it. But I do want you to take advantage of that meeting. Never have
church members been gathered to discuss same-sex attraction issues. Many people
around you are going to want to share their opinions on the issue and I pray
that things go smoothly in those meetings. I hope that someone will ask a
question such as, “Regardless of the court ruling, How do I love my family
member that has decided to live a homosexual lifestyle?” or, “How do I respond
to a child who comes to me and tells me that they are same-gender attracted?”
We often forget that there are members of the church who are trying to figure
these things out. So much focus is put on the doctrine that we forget that
there are people, our brothers and sisters, caught in the middle of the issue.
Imagine yourself as a 16 year old who is afraid to tell someone that you feel
you might be gay. Then to sit in a meeting where all you are told is that God
does not approve of gay marriage and that homosexuality is a sin. What would
you do? Would you hold it inside, hurting because you know what’s right, but
feeling like a disappointment to those who love you? Would you risk coming out,
knowing that people will treat you differently, avoid you, or feel forced to
bear your burden? You know that your feelings might not be validated. Imagine you are the parent of a child that you suspect, or maybe even know that your child is same-sex attracted. You're hearing the same information. What
would you do?
I’m an open book. If you want to
walk a mile, I hope I’ve given you some shoes to walk in. My story is unique
and personal, but I’m willing to share if it helps you understand how you can
better love your friends, family members, or yourself. I love you. And that
love is what makes me want to share this part of my life with you. I want to be
able to love you as the real me. The complete me. And unless you know this part
of my life then you haven’t known the fullest version of me.
I don’t want to hide anything anymore. This is me. I
love you.
