This is me. I love you

I’m not very good at putting my feelings in words, but I hope that I can express the way I feel in a way that will allow for understanding and respect. This is something that I have wanted to do for a while now but haven’t felt like it was the right time. With the events of the past week and the meetings that will be held in church over the next couple of weeks, I feel like now is the time to let you know that I am one of those people who has felt caught between two worlds.  I am gay or same-gender attracted.  

With all of the opinions posted on the internet on the subject of being Mormon and gay, I want to share with you one that a few of my friends shared that rang very true to me. Please read it with an 

 open heart.

http://benschilaty.blogspot.com/2015/06/a-walk-in-my-shoes.html

The last couple of years of my life have been a wild journey, but the lessons I’ve learned could never have come if I hadn’t accepted who I was. I began to understand what it meant to love someone. I learned how to be more charitable. I experienced a happiness that I didn’t know existed. I began to open up to more friends and family and found that my experiences helped others.  

I haven’t shared some of the most crucial parts of my experience with many people, but I hope that sharing them with you now will help you to “walk in my shoes.”

I’ve known for a long time that I felt different than other people expected or taught me. I really began to notice it in jr. high, but I ignored it and figured that when I turned 16 I would start dating and become interested in girls. When that time came, I did go on dates but found that I was extremely apathetic about it all. I felt very confused. I was supposed to be attracted to girls, to feel like I wanted to kiss them or something, right? But I wasn’t. But I didn’t let it bother me too much. I knew that after my mission things would be different.

I loved my mission. I realized how much I enjoyed helping others. I learned how to grow spiritually. I learned how to study well and to work hard. I had amazing spiritual experiences that confirmed the truthfulness of the gospel. The Book of Mormon became a key part of my life and my beliefs. I felt of God’s love for me and for the rest of His children. My mission taught me that God wanted and needed me to be myself. I was only effective as His servant if I kept my own personality and character. I needed that lesson, and others, for what would come in the future.

I expected to come home and have the drive to find an eternal companion. I went on a few dates and still found that I was uneasy and uncomfortable with dating. Deep down I knew why, but I didn’t want to believe it. I took a few years off of dating with the exception of going on dates to please others. It wasn’t until late 2013 that things really started to piece together and my brain and heart began to more fully understand that I wasn’t attracted to women. At the start of 2014, after a lot of thought and contemplation, I decided that they only way to figure out how I truly felt was to open myself to the possibility that I was actually gay. I went on a few “gay dates” and finally started to see what it meant to be interested in another human being. To feel that connection with someone was incredible. I wanted it. But my understanding of church doctrine made it hard to continue. So I stopped. I wish I could explain that feeling to you. That feeling of being torn in half. Part of me having a testimony of the gospel and wanting to stay true to those beliefs, and knowing that I was giving up having a partner that I loved and could be truly happy with.

I knew that I was supposed to date, get married, and have a family. I wanted a family so badly. Especially after Lila was born. She made me so happy and I saw what a blessing she was to us. I started dating a girl and we had a lot of fun, but things were really hard for me. I would drop her off and then begin to cry. I felt like I was lying to her. I could tell that she was interested in me, but I felt so guilty taking her out and not feeling anything. Though we enjoyed each other’s company, we stopped seeing each other and I again decided to not date. Permanently.

Like the author of the post says, we feel like we have only a few options. And I was choosing numbers 1 or 2. Marry a woman (she was going to have to propose to me. I would never ask someone to live in that situation), or stay celibate. Both options sounded awful, but I knew that in order to keep things in line with church standards, those were my options.

I talked with my bishop about my situation and made plans to go work for EFY for the last few weeks of the summer. When I found out that I was contracted to work in Palmyra I was ecstatic. I was also extremely nervous. People talk about having strong spiritual experiences while in the Sacred Grove. I wanted to have one. I wanted to feel that I would be ok in life. That there was hope for me in either finding a girl who could love me despite not being attracted to her, or that I could remain single and stay faithful to the church’s teachings. We spent about 6 hours studying in the Sacred Grove that week, and as I would read and pray I never felt that I was getting the hope or feeling that I was seeking for.

On one of our last days in Palmyra we were taking a tour of the Smith Log Cabin. As the sister missionary retold part of Joseph’s story, she opened the back door of the house that led to the garden and a path to the woods. Never have I been hit so strongly by the Spirit. If I could put into words that experience, it was as if I was told, “You are afraid to do what you feel will bring you happiness. It’s ok. Make that choice. I love you. You are allowed to find happiness.”

I know that sounds crazy. And I don’t expect anyone to believe it or accept it. But it was what I needed. I hadn’t asked for it. I was asking for the opposite.

Soon after I got home I started dating and found someone who I truly loved. A few people even met him without knowing who he was. I’ve had multiple people tell me that they could see a difference in me during that time, even though they didn’t know why until later. They saw that I was happier, more comfortable, and just a better overall person. All that I knew was that I was experiencing a committed relationship and was gaining an understanding of what it meant to love someone. Unfortunately, things became difficult while I was in Fiji, and after seven months together we decided that we needed to take different paths. I have continued to date and meet amazing people. I hope to someday find someone who I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.

I, just like the author if the article, empathize with those that choose any of the options. To me, each person needs to find out for themselves what it is that they should do. I would never encourage anyone to leave the church. I am who I am because of what I learned in the gospel. Those teachings have gotten me through the hardest times. The foundation of my testimony is in Christ and the Book of Mormon. I have found peace in knowing that I can find answers and direction in my crazy life. I know that God loves me. I have felt that love and I know that it is real.

But I also would not push someone from choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle. I’ve tried the different paths, and I’ve found the one that both I and my Father in Heaven feel is right for me.

I’m still Jaron. I’m still JJ. I still want to be your cousin, nephew, grandson, and friend. I know that you may think of me differently, but I hope that you can find a way to continue to love me and, when the time comes, the person I choose to be with.

This Sunday or the following, your ward will hold a special meeting to read a letter concerning the SCOTUS ruling on same-sex marriage. I don’t expect you to support it or feel like you have to be ok with it. But I do want you to take advantage of that meeting. Never have church members been gathered to discuss same-sex attraction issues. Many people around you are going to want to share their opinions on the issue and I pray that things go smoothly in those meetings. I hope that someone will ask a question such as, “Regardless of the court ruling, How do I love my family member that has decided to live a homosexual lifestyle?” or, “How do I respond to a child who comes to me and tells me that they are same-gender attracted?” We often forget that there are members of the church who are trying to figure these things out. So much focus is put on the doctrine that we forget that there are people, our brothers and sisters, caught in the middle of the issue. Imagine yourself as a 16 year old who is afraid to tell someone that you feel you might be gay. Then to sit in a meeting where all you are told is that God does not approve of gay marriage and that homosexuality is a sin. What would you do? Would you hold it inside, hurting because you know what’s right, but feeling like a disappointment to those who love you? Would you risk coming out, knowing that people will treat you differently, avoid you, or feel forced to bear your burden? You know that your feelings might not be validated. Imagine you are the parent of a child that you suspect, or maybe even know that your child is same-sex attracted. You're hearing the same information. What would you do?

I’m an open book. If you want to walk a mile, I hope I’ve given you some shoes to walk in. My story is unique and personal, but I’m willing to share if it helps you understand how you can better love your friends, family members, or yourself. I love you. And that love is what makes me want to share this part of my life with you. I want to be able to love you as the real me. The complete me. And unless you know this part of my life then you haven’t known the fullest version of me.

I don’t want to hide anything anymore. This is me. I love you.